Chapter 25
With all my treatments now behind me, it was time to focus on finally trying to put cancer in the rearview mirror. This is a seemingly impossible task because cancer patients will always have daily reminders of their journey for the rest of their lives. Some will be life altering and some will be subtle.
For me there will always be a visible abdomen scar whenever I get changed or shower. I also now need to be extra careful in the shower or when walking on stairs risking a fall from my clumsy neuropathy. I am unable to walk barefoot anymore because it is too painful. These are just a few of my lingering daily reminders.
I am so grateful mine are subtle for the most part.
I know cancer will always be a part of my life, but I just hope and want it to be a smaller and a much distant part going forward.
I’ve always been a big believer in setting goals and then rewarding myself when I achieve them. I would anticipate something like a weekend in New York City during my darkest cancer days. By always having something to look forward to, it did make the previous year a bit more tolerable, especially during brutal chemo infusions.
Setting goals like getting back on the ice within a year seemed impossible after surgery back in February, but it was now finally within my grasp. All those nights sleeping on my couch with the October 25th date circled on my calendar in plain view and on most nights it was the last thing I saw before turning out the light and falling asleep.
It was now coming to fruition.
It was hard to believe just how fast the previous year had gone by. It didn’t feel like yesterday, but it also didn’t feel like a year either since I told the guys I had cancer. I would now be returning back to that same dressing room, not as a visitor but once again as a player.
I was looking so forward to it.
For me there will always be a visible abdomen scar whenever I get changed or shower. I also now need to be extra careful in the shower or when walking on stairs risking a fall from my clumsy neuropathy. I am unable to walk barefoot anymore because it is too painful. These are just a few of my lingering daily reminders.
I am so grateful mine are subtle for the most part.
I know cancer will always be a part of my life, but I just hope and want it to be a smaller and a much distant part going forward.
I’ve always been a big believer in setting goals and then rewarding myself when I achieve them. I would anticipate something like a weekend in New York City during my darkest cancer days. By always having something to look forward to, it did make the previous year a bit more tolerable, especially during brutal chemo infusions.
Setting goals like getting back on the ice within a year seemed impossible after surgery back in February, but it was now finally within my grasp. All those nights sleeping on my couch with the October 25th date circled on my calendar in plain view and on most nights it was the last thing I saw before turning out the light and falling asleep.
It was now coming to fruition.
It was hard to believe just how fast the previous year had gone by. It didn’t feel like yesterday, but it also didn’t feel like a year either since I told the guys I had cancer. I would now be returning back to that same dressing room, not as a visitor but once again as a player.
I was looking so forward to it.
I have always considered myself a pretty half decent hockey player. I wasn't always the best player on the team, but I was never the worst player either. Over the years while playing with the Shanahan Group I felt that my abilities had slipped marginally and I was no longer in the top tier. I now found myself solidly closer to the top of the middle tier. I was in my early fifties and I was happy with my new self-imposed ranking.
Over the years many of the guys no longer play on Saturday mornings. For some it is due to injuries or other commitments, while others simply had lost the desire to compete. For the most part they had been replaced with younger, quicker and better players. I could now live with being a solid middle tier player with any group I played with.
Then I got cancer.
I was pretty sure I would now be relegating myself down to the bottom tier on my return. I had always promised myself that if the day ever came when I could no longer hold my own on the ice, I would quit the game. I never wanted to be that guy that the other guys wished would just quit.
My friend Anthony was a forty year old school teacher when he was diagnosed with lymphoma a year prior to my diagnosis. Anthony was a good solid middle tier player also before he missed most of the season with his treatments. Anthony amazingly returned a better player after he was given a clean bill of health and he has remained a better player since.
I sincerely doubted that the Shanahan group was about to witness two players both diagnosed with cancer and both returning better players after missing a season.
As Sherry and I drove down to Toronto for my first game back, I had mixed emotions. Fitness wise I was not even close to where I wanted to be, although my cardio had drastically improved thanks to the new gym stepmill. I still had not been able to do any real strength training even though I was close to my pre-cancer weight.
Over the years many of the guys no longer play on Saturday mornings. For some it is due to injuries or other commitments, while others simply had lost the desire to compete. For the most part they had been replaced with younger, quicker and better players. I could now live with being a solid middle tier player with any group I played with.
Then I got cancer.
I was pretty sure I would now be relegating myself down to the bottom tier on my return. I had always promised myself that if the day ever came when I could no longer hold my own on the ice, I would quit the game. I never wanted to be that guy that the other guys wished would just quit.
My friend Anthony was a forty year old school teacher when he was diagnosed with lymphoma a year prior to my diagnosis. Anthony was a good solid middle tier player also before he missed most of the season with his treatments. Anthony amazingly returned a better player after he was given a clean bill of health and he has remained a better player since.
I sincerely doubted that the Shanahan group was about to witness two players both diagnosed with cancer and both returning better players after missing a season.
As Sherry and I drove down to Toronto for my first game back, I had mixed emotions. Fitness wise I was not even close to where I wanted to be, although my cardio had drastically improved thanks to the new gym stepmill. I still had not been able to do any real strength training even though I was close to my pre-cancer weight.
I still felt very skinny.
The previous week Stephanie had come for a Thanksgiving visit. We all climbed the Dorset Fire Tower which Sherry and I do annually. It is one hundred and twenty very steep steps to the top. The climb was not easy, but it had not taken as much out of me as I thought it would.
I wondered if maybe I was expecting too much from myself too soon.
We arrived at the rink and all the guys were happy to see me back. Some told me that Saturday mornings just weren't the same without me there blocking shots and a few said they had missed my dressing room banter.
It was so great to be back shooting the shit with the guys, putting my equipment on and taping my stick. I was picking up exactly where I had left off. I reached into my bag just before I went on the ice and pulled out the puck. It was the same puck that had been on my stick at the final buzzer during my last Saturday game exactly fifty-one weeks earlier.
The reason why I picked up the puck was also coming to fruition.
On my return, I wanted to have a ceremonial first faceoff with Anthony using that same puck. The two cancer patients facing off and returning to play the game they both love after kicking cancer’s ass. It was a very emotional moment as much as it was a very important moment for me.
I had now gone full circle, well at least when it comes to playing the game I love most.
One of the guys took a great picture of our faceoff. After the faceoff I again picked up the puck and put a ring of white hockey tape around it. I simply wrote in black Sharpie 'Nov 2 2013-Oct 25 2014 (51 WEEKS)'
Anthony and I were both presented with framed pictures of our faceoff at a team party a few weeks later. A caption was added to the bottom,
The previous week Stephanie had come for a Thanksgiving visit. We all climbed the Dorset Fire Tower which Sherry and I do annually. It is one hundred and twenty very steep steps to the top. The climb was not easy, but it had not taken as much out of me as I thought it would.
I wondered if maybe I was expecting too much from myself too soon.
We arrived at the rink and all the guys were happy to see me back. Some told me that Saturday mornings just weren't the same without me there blocking shots and a few said they had missed my dressing room banter.
It was so great to be back shooting the shit with the guys, putting my equipment on and taping my stick. I was picking up exactly where I had left off. I reached into my bag just before I went on the ice and pulled out the puck. It was the same puck that had been on my stick at the final buzzer during my last Saturday game exactly fifty-one weeks earlier.
The reason why I picked up the puck was also coming to fruition.
On my return, I wanted to have a ceremonial first faceoff with Anthony using that same puck. The two cancer patients facing off and returning to play the game they both love after kicking cancer’s ass. It was a very emotional moment as much as it was a very important moment for me.
I had now gone full circle, well at least when it comes to playing the game I love most.
One of the guys took a great picture of our faceoff. After the faceoff I again picked up the puck and put a ring of white hockey tape around it. I simply wrote in black Sharpie 'Nov 2 2013-Oct 25 2014 (51 WEEKS)'
Anthony and I were both presented with framed pictures of our faceoff at a team party a few weeks later. A caption was added to the bottom,
OUR TRUE CHAMPIONS - MIKE & ANTHONY.
I will forever always have that puck and picture proudly displayed in my home.
Always.
The hour went by pretty fast, it was a complete blur to me. I found myself a couple times sitting on the bench on the verge of crying. I had achieved a goal that many thought I never would. I had even doubted returning within a year myself on many occasions, but there I was back on the ice.
I was rusty as hell and I couldn't give a rat's ass. There was no doubt on this day I was indeed the worst player on the ice. After the game I decided to cut myself some slack. I would wait until the end of the season before I would honestly re-evaluate my hockey skills and decide if I would continue.
I missed many Saturday morning skates after my return during the rest of that season. My neuropathy was extremely tough to deal with while wearing skates. On the ice I knew exactly what I wanted to do mentally, but my feet would not allow me to do it physically. It was a weird, scary sensation and I could only wait, hoping that it would improve with time.
I now realized that it was not going to be that easy putting cancer in the rearview mirror.
Always.
The hour went by pretty fast, it was a complete blur to me. I found myself a couple times sitting on the bench on the verge of crying. I had achieved a goal that many thought I never would. I had even doubted returning within a year myself on many occasions, but there I was back on the ice.
I was rusty as hell and I couldn't give a rat's ass. There was no doubt on this day I was indeed the worst player on the ice. After the game I decided to cut myself some slack. I would wait until the end of the season before I would honestly re-evaluate my hockey skills and decide if I would continue.
I missed many Saturday morning skates after my return during the rest of that season. My neuropathy was extremely tough to deal with while wearing skates. On the ice I knew exactly what I wanted to do mentally, but my feet would not allow me to do it physically. It was a weird, scary sensation and I could only wait, hoping that it would improve with time.
I now realized that it was not going to be that easy putting cancer in the rearview mirror.